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We’re all about filtering out the nasty stuff from our drinking water to ensure it’s super healthy and tasty. But there are a few other things, besides gunk in water, that we wish we could also filter out to make life a little sweeter. Highly subjective, purely our own opinion. Agree? Disagree?
While we love a good chat and a right laugh, it’s just the term ‘banter’ that needs filtering out. Anyone who says they’re the king or queen of banter is guaranteed to be completely self-delusional and unable to hold a proper conversation for laughing at their own contrived ‘jokes’. Anyone who even utters the term ‘bants’ should be shunned from all social interaction completely.
Zoom bookcase backgrounds
Just because you’re on a Zoom call and sitting in front of a shelf full of random books you’ve never read does not automatically give you the authority here. It’s today’s equivalent of wearing glasses just to make yourself look intelligent. And those ‘hilarious’ fuzzy fake backgrounds don’t cut it either. Look at me - I’m on a stock photo beach!
It’s bad enough that most food packaging is plastic, let alone plastic that you can’t even open without a combination of three different kitchen utensils, the strength of a gorilla, the dexterity of a brain surgeon and the patience of a saint. Cue rice everywhere.
Face masks might be divisive but, whatever your preference, if you’re going to wear one - wear one properly. Hanging off an ear or tucked under the chin is bad enough, but what’s with covering your mouth while leaving your nose uncovered? Ever heard of a virus so offended by being blocked from your mouth that it refuses to breeze up your nostril instead?
Those cheap and tacky old TV infomercials have evolved into suspiciously slick and pervasive vids filling up your socials. Now we’re inundated with hitherto unheard of miracle cures that defy established medical science, let alone decent common sense: Syringe your own ears! White paint for your teeth! Laser off your own eye bags!
Love a good bit of positivity. But then there’s the giddy-as a-kipper sports commentator who prematurely proclaims that our home country has now most definitely won the entire championship before any whistle’s blown or line’s crossed. You know that we’ll now most definitely fall flat on our smug faces in the very last minute of play and suddenly lose it all in the most unlikely and highly spectacular fashion.
Now a few of us are doing it a bit more, there’s a glut of self-proclaimed ‘experts’ on how to work from home trying to sell us their exclusive online courses (with a 36% one-time only extremely time-limited discount so book now!). These highly experienced consultants tease you with genius-like incisive gems such as ‘separate your space’, ‘lock your unruly child under the stairs’, ‘sit in front of a bookcase’ before charging you an exorbitant fee for spending hours watching a series of rambling, self-promotional videos. The ultimate recommendation is that you simply knock up a huge home office extension that you definitely can’t afford (and you live in a flat anyway). Or buy a big house. In the country.
You’ve seen these online and on daytime TV - the cheap-as-chips life hacks that will revolutionise your everyday existence on this planet. And on-one else knows it yet. But they definitely work. Behold the wardrobe organiser made out of old ring-pulls; the DIY stain remover constituting vodka, dishwasher salt and battery acid; the fly catcher made from paper clips, pound coins and panty pads; the hands-free crisp packet involving eating from the hood of a back-to-front hoodie… Actually, we quite like that last one.
We really don’t want to knock enterprising endeavours - we’ll gladly make lemonade when life gives us lemons and our pint is definitely half-full. But there’s something a teensy bit rankling about people proclaiming a Damascus-like epiphany during lockdown following which they’ve successfully swapped a highly lucrative career as a stockbroker for an equally remunerative life of making jewellery out of bits of old wire and gravel in their crafts den. Sorry, we’re just not buying that one.
The one filter we’re not fans of. There’s just something creepy about filtering your own face on your socials. What is it with the googly eyes, the plastic complexion, the dog ears, the face of a completely different person altogether? As Aguilera once rightfully sang: you are beautiful in every single way. Filters can bring you down. So ditch them. Not the ones that filter your water though. Those filters are for keeps.
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